Seeing red
I’ve been thinking about the incident at the Oscars in which Will Smith slapped Chris Rock. Looking at the recording, it seemed slightly bizarre – Will initially seemed to be amused by Chris’ comment, but then looked over at his wife and immediately set off onto the stage and slapped Chris, with some unparliamentary words about not talking about his wife.
Now, I always want to understand how things happen before judging anyone. On the face of it, a full blooded slap to the face is not, from my point of view, an appropriate response to mere words. However, Jada Pinknett Smith has a history of problems with mental health, and her baldness is due to alopecia, which is a form of disability and is known to feed into her mental state. Re-watching the clip, it seemed to me that she was visibly hurt by Chris Rock’s comment, and Will is no doubt super-sensitive to her feelings, as I am to my wife’s.
So, was this “an exhibition of toxic masculinity” as some have claimed? I wonder about that, particularly because of my own history.
If I am triggered appropriately, I can fall into a berserk rage – I’m told that my face goes very pale and I look “scary”. From the inside, it’s a case of literally “seeing red” (everything has a kind of red halo round it). There’s a massive surge of adrenaline, and I temporarily become pretty insensitive to pain. But also most of the usual inhibitors to behaviour turn off. I’m not physically imposing, or physically fit – I never really have been – so a physical response to any situation for me would normally be “run away”, but that doesn’t happen if I “see red”. Remember that I “look scary”? There have been maybe half a dozen occasions in my adult life when this has been triggered, and people who could easily have wiped the floor with me have looked nervous and backed off (shades of some scenes in the first episode of the new “Jack Reacher” series – except that I’m not 6’5″ and built like a tank).
I believe this to be an hereditary thing. My father had it, as had his father. Dad had learned at an early age techniques for suppressing rage (probably because his rage versus his own father’s rage would not have been a pretty sight) and I can only maybe recall four or five times when he really “lost it”. Granddad, by all accounts, never actually tried much to suppress it, and as a result this 5’6″ guy ran a colliery, and the miners were all slightly terrified of him. Me, I’ve learned a lot of techniques for avoiding being triggered that way (because it tends to result in furniture and, sometimes, people getting broken), but there are still some triggers I just can’t override with any ease. * They seem, in all cases, to involve my sense of fairness. Fairness towards myself I can generally gloss over – but if a member of my family is involved, particularly where they can’t or won’t defend themselves? That’s dangerous territory.
My own wife suffers with mental illness, and can be completely demolished by a few words from someone – and I have to try very hard not to have the red mist rise. Very occasionally I fail at that.
Now, I don’t know if Will Smith has the same berserker propensity which seems to run in the male line of my family. But I have it, and I have to say that in Will’s position, and had it been a dig at my wife – well, I might well have done the same thing (though I’d probably have had to slap Chis Rock’s chest, as I might not reach his face). And I’d have been suitably apologetic afterwards, which it appears he has been. So I’m entirely ready to forgive him, and not put it down to “toxic masculinity”.
Whast of Chris Rock? Well, I don’t think he should have levelled a gibe at someone who is known to be sensitive about what she clearly regards as a disfiguring condition and who has a history of mental health challenges. That is just wrong. But he’s a stand-up comedian, and all the decent stand-ups I’ve known go into a kind of disinhibited (and adrenalised) state where normal restraints don’t always work properly. So, as he’s apologised as well, I can give him a pass as well.
Tout comprendre, c’est tout pardonner, perhaps?
* Trying to avoid that being triggered is one of the reasons why, if you’ve read my “About” posts, has prompted me to suppress Emotional Chris to such an extent – and that has damaged me. But I can live with that damage far easier than I could live with the damage I might do in a berserk rage.